Thursday, May 11, 2017

On discovering feelings and needs

Yes, it has been several months (almost 15 weeks) since I began the journal.  Working through stuff at my own pace.  Haven't had the heart to write, until now.

Thinking (today) about core beliefs and the feelings they protect or deliver.  One of my beliefs in particular stands out at this time -- I am a clumsy, ill mannered, short tempered, unlovable oaf.  Emphasis on unlovable.

The thing is, this belief seems blatantly irrational.  I can find within myself no obvious motivation.  But the maelstrom of emotions enveloping it creates the appearance of an intimidating, even frightening and tedious task of sorting.  By sorting, I mean expressing, living into.  Oh god, where to start.

I suspect the earliest seed of that odious perl is the sense of feeling unlovable.  My (unexpert) guess is sometime in early childhood I figured out love is a goodness happening for everybody else.  I must have recognized something (seeming to me) meaningful transpiring among those around me.  Something that was missing when I reflected upon my own connection with others.  What was my need?  A hug?  A caress?  Maybe acknowledgement and attention?

When I honestly recognize and accept this belief, tenderly compassionately holding my un-lovableness, I begin to feel a sharp ache in my heart.  Almost as though it were a cramp in a single focussed spot on the heart's surface.  That point constricts and pinches into a point of white heat and warm waves disperse into the surrounding tissue.  In seconds, the focussed pain morphes into vague coldness and a raw general achiness permeating the whole heart cavity, spreading chill into my chest and acidic nausia into my belly.

It is a perfectly awful experience.

I am left shaky and weak.  There is a claw in my heart.  Barely able to breathe, fearful that dizziness will overtake me if I try to stand unaided.  I roll my shoulders and head.  I feel, no, hear tendons pop and snap.  I force myself to inhale deep and slowly exhale.  I remember that my breath is my anchor.  I come back to myself and now I'm ready to try again!